Race to the Bottom

Some real-time reaction from the debates, swiped from my full-time gig as Wonkette. Let’s start with the “Squabble in the Gables,” now thoroughly masticated by the mainstream press.

Gee, that was incredibly predictable. Except for that part when Bush called Kerry a “good dad.” As you know, Kerry eats babies. Kerry managed to not contradict himself within the space of a single sentence.

Bush succumbed to vapor lock a couple of times but everyone knows that just makes him seem like a normal guy. If Bush was listening to some kind of radio signal, it was between stations.

Cleveland, Ohio

9:10 Cheney: “I have not suggested there’s a connection between Iraq and 9/11.” Yes! And watch these monkeys fly out of my ass!

9:23 Bush-Cheney’s global test: You must be able to beat up Howard Dean. Dean poses a terrorist threat. We’re pretty sure we saw him trying to set his shoes on fire during Letterman last night.

10:07 Gwen is really into asking if Dick or John feels “personally attacked.” Is this a debate or an encounter group? How’s she going to end this thing? “OK guys … HUG!”

10:14 “I have not heard those numbers with respect to African-American women,” says Cheney: See, we don’t pay that much attention to African-American women in this administration. … I mean, we have Condoleezza!

Postscript Dick Cheney said “factcheck.com” not “factcheck.org” and —ha! ha!—factcheck.com was briefly changed after the debate to point to George Soros’s site. Oh, God. We’re dying. It’s like … wait, wait: There’s a word for it! Irony. And, what’s the word for the vice president telling a bald-faced lie that’s cost the lives of more than 1,000 Americans and thousands of Iraqis?

St. Louis, Missouri

9:03 Kerry pats Bush on the back! Checking for that wire…

9:09 Is it just me, or does Bush get more drawly when he’s talking to, uhm, “a whole bunch of folks”?

9:14 Global test! Global test! Global test! Bush is so psyched. He’s going to start jumping up and down and clapping his hands if someone asks about “frivolous lawsuits.”

9:27 Bush is grinding his teeth into stumps. Oh, fuck: “That answer almost made me want to scowl.” … Uhm. Yeah. I mean, that joke bombed. Bombed like a bad war.

9:39 The voice in his ear just told him to speak more quietly.

9:47 Kerry is the first presidential candidate in history to go out of his way to remind people he’s a lawyer.

9:49 Bush just called Kerry “Kennedy.” He wishes. (Both of them.)

10:10 Did the President of the United States really just ask Charlie Gibson if he “needed wood”? Where’s Bob Dole when you need him?

10:21 Ha! Bush said he’d choose judges based on whether or not they’d vote for him! Ha! Ha! Funny because it’s true.

10:30 Dad writes in with his summation: “Kerry waxed Bush’s ass.” And you wonder how I turned out this way.

Tempe, Arizona

9:09 Kerry is all about hunting and KILLING terrorists. But will he torture them? Will he rip off their heads and shit down their necks? I just don’t think he’s sincere.

9:11 Awesome: The President hasn’t gotten a flu shot…because of frivolous lawsuits.

9:12 “A plan is not a litany of complaints.” No, a plan is a series oversimplified slogans and focus-grouped sound-bites!

9:39 Schieffer says that Kerry has a “massive plan.” Yes … you can tell by the size of his hands.

10:00 No Child Left Behind is really a jobs act, says Bush. Of course. And Social Security is really a missile defense program. And Federal Highways funding? Actually a part of the Metric Conversion Office. And clean coal legislation helps you make soup.

10:17 Bush can “feel” when people pray for him. It’s like frottage.

10:25 Bush: “I love the strong women around me.” As many as possible. As long as possible.

Well, that was exciting—now, all that’s left is to see who wins the New York Press’ Quadrennial Election Hack Invitational, a search for America’s worst campaign journalist.

Oh, yeah, and that thing we meant to do on November 2.