Views > October 15, 2004

Race to the Bottom

By Ana Marie Cox

Some real-time reaction from the debates, swiped from my full-time gig as Wonkette. Let’s start with the “Squabble in the Gables,” now thoroughly masticated by the mainstream press.

Gee, that was incredibly predictable. Except for that part when Bush called Kerry a “good dad.” As you know, Kerry eats babies. Kerry managed to not contradict himself within the space of a single sentence.

Bush succumbed to vapor lock a couple of times but everyone knows that just makes him seem like a normal guy. If Bush was listening to some kind of radio signal, it was between stations.

Cleveland, Ohio

9:10 Cheney: “I have not suggested there’s a connection between Iraq and 9/11.” Yes! And watch these monkeys fly out of my ass!

9:23 Bush-Cheney’s global test: You must be able to beat up Howard Dean. Dean poses a terrorist threat. We’re pretty sure we saw him trying to set his shoes on fire during Letterman last night.

10:07 Gwen is really into asking if Dick or John feels “personally attacked.” Is this a debate or an encounter group? How’s she going to end this thing? “OK guys … HUG!”

10:14 “I have not heard those numbers with respect to African-American women,” says Cheney: See, we don’t pay that much attention to African-American women in this administration. … I mean, we have Condoleezza!

Postscript Dick Cheney said “factcheck.com” not “factcheck.org” and —ha! ha!—factcheck.com was briefly changed after the debate to point to George Soros’s site. Oh, God. We’re dying. It’s like … wait, wait: There’s a word for it! Irony. And, what’s the word for the vice president telling a bald-faced lie that’s cost the lives of more than 1,000 Americans and thousands of Iraqis?

St. Louis, Missouri

9:03 Kerry pats Bush on the back! Checking for that wire…

9:09 Is it just me, or does Bush get more drawly when he’s talking to, uhm, “a whole bunch of folks”?

9:14 Global test! Global test! Global test! Bush is so psyched. He’s going to start jumping up and down and clapping his hands if someone asks about “frivolous lawsuits.”

9:27 Bush is grinding his teeth into stumps. Oh, fuck: “That answer almost made me want to scowl.” … Uhm. Yeah. I mean, that joke bombed. Bombed like a bad war.

9:39 The voice in his ear just told him to speak more quietly.

9:47 Kerry is the first presidential candidate in history to go out of his way to remind people he’s a lawyer.

9:49 Bush just called Kerry “Kennedy.” He wishes. (Both of them.)

10:10 Did the President of the United States really just ask Charlie Gibson if he “needed wood”? Where’s Bob Dole when you need him?

10:21 Ha! Bush said he’d choose judges based on whether or not they’d vote for him! Ha! Ha! Funny because it’s true.

10:30 Dad writes in with his summation: “Kerry waxed Bush’s ass.” And you wonder how I turned out this way.

Tempe, Arizona

9:09 Kerry is all about hunting and KILLING terrorists. But will he torture them? Will he rip off their heads and shit down their necks? I just don’t think he’s sincere.

9:11 Awesome: The President hasn’t gotten a flu shot…because of frivolous lawsuits.

9:12 “A plan is not a litany of complaints.” No, a plan is a series oversimplified slogans and focus-grouped sound-bites!

9:39 Schieffer says that Kerry has a “massive plan.” Yes … you can tell by the size of his hands.

10:00 No Child Left Behind is really a jobs act, says Bush. Of course. And Social Security is really a missile defense program. And Federal Highways funding? Actually a part of the Metric Conversion Office. And clean coal legislation helps you make soup.

10:17 Bush can “feel” when people pray for him. It’s like frottage.

10:25 Bush: “I love the strong women around me.” As many as possible. As long as possible.

Well, that was exciting—now, all that’s left is to see who wins the New York Press’ Quadrennial Election Hack Invitational, a search for America’s worst campaign journalist.

Oh, yeah, and that thing we meant to do on November 2.

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• Reader Comments

  Ana Marie Cox:
  Praise from a slow witted, retired, old, truck driver may not mean much, but i thoroughly enjoyed your article. I am surprised that none of the bright, articulate contributors failed to comment; could this be because the weekend approaches?
  twain

  Posted by twain on Oct 15, 2004 at 5:47 PM

  Thanks Ann.
  Humorous observation coupled with the exposure of facts can be quite powerful as we have become accustom to with shows like “The Daily Show”

  If it were not such a serious and immensely deep and wide crevasse between these candidates I would
  probaly spend more time on the prasies and effectivness of humor.

  Having observed all the debates and the Tempe Arizona debate when Kerry mentioned Cheney’s daughter being a lesbian - the statement had no initial impact on me whatsoever. The Cheney reaction after the debate brought more focus on it and I believe was calculated to draw attention away from the more substantive differences between the two men.
  I personally did not find the comment improper and don’t understand why we are once again wasting more time on another distraction.
  The media could have contrasted this contrived controversy with the Arkansas and West Virginia mailers from the RNC denouncing liberals, gay unions/marriages, and suggesting that liberals wanted to the ban the Bible too! But there has been little or no mention of it in the mainstream media.
  
  More American soldiers were killed in Iraq, the CIA and the administration are openly having differences and the media spends more time on this non issue!
  The health care differences, the assault weapon’s ban issue, the prescription drug/Canada issue, the immigration/border issue, terrorism and more. All these issues the president was incapable of providing an answer so, they jump on a hot button and non issue; then besides trying to portray Kerry as a “liberal” now they want to call him a “bad man” too! Just ridiculous.
  And frankly they didn’t say what was so alarming about what Kerry said and why they were behaving so irate! Why? Pundits like Buchanon said Kerry crossed the line! How? None of it makes any sense and the media is once again being played like a trash can , to toss whatever Rove want to toss in.

  Posted by BAM on Oct 16, 2004 at 10:25 AM

  Apologies...Ana...not Ann

  Posted by BAM on Oct 16, 2004 at 10:27 AM

  Watching the debates has made me hope all the more fervently that enough people come to see that Bush isn’t a good president and vote for Kerry.

  virgin mobile sponsored a contest encouraging young people to create PSAs on why it’s important to vote in november--please go to www.psaupload.com and vote (just vote, nothing else involved) for one of the five finalists (the winner will receive a computer, so they can go on to create even better PSAs....)

  sms81

  Posted by sms81 on Oct 16, 2004 at 3:58 PM

  Very fine spotchecking of the debates, thank you, and a creative approach as well. I do not, myself, have the disadvantage of television, so am completely dependent on the written word. It only emphasizes the difference between these two coandidates. The NYTimes Opinion today, Sunday, sums up best the reasons why Bush should be thrown out on his ear in November. And the support he is receiving from the Cathoilic bishops, more than the pedophile scandals only confirms my decision to step out of the Church, indeed, to steer clear of any religious organization. Look at all those poor fundamentalists who got shafted by Pat Robertson, Swaggart, the Bakkers, even Falwell. But I digress, thanks again for some pointed journalism.

  Posted by Marton on Oct 17, 2004 at 4:39 AM

• extended discussion >>>Continued...

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