Features » December 16, 2003

The Candidates on George W. Bush

By Brian Cook and Ana Hristova

Bush bashing: It’s pointless, immature, detrimental to civil discourse and counterproductive in luring those all-important “NASCAR Dads” we’ve heard so much about. But dammit if it’s not good fun. So in a spirit of malevolent glee, here are the Democratic candidates, speaking harmoniously on the single issue that can truly unite a divided electorate: the follies and failings of our feckless flight-suit-in-chief.

	Carol Moseley Braun She has complained that the current administration is “spending money like a drunken sailor” and believes better, more accurate descriptions of Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” program would be “No Child Left Untested” or “No Child Left with a Behind.”
	Wesley Clark Clark has done an about-face from his 2001 endorsement, given at a GOP fund-raising dinner, of “the great team in office, men like Colin Powell, Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.” While Clark may still be confused about the gender of Rice, he has since revised his opinion, calling the great team’s foreign policy “reckless” and “irresponsible” and arguing that Bush’s “axis of evil” was “probably the single worst formulation in the last half-century of American foreign policy.”
	Howard Dean Deriding Bush’s tax cuts as a gift of “$3 trillion for Ken Lay and the boys,” Dean believes Bush pursues “Enron economics,” which “is the equivalent of mortgaging your house to get spending money for the weekend.” Like Braun, he would change the name of “No Child Left Behind,” his preference being “No School Board Left Standing.”
	John Edwards He has pointed out that while Bush may be fluent in Spanish, “the only Spanish he speaks when it comes to jobs is ‘Hasta la vista.’” And Bush’s health-care initiatives caused the senator to tell an audience “we ought to go to the White House and hang a big sign on the door … that says, ‘This president is hazardous to your health.’”
	Dick Gephardt The longtime representative has asked the obvious question, “How many Americans have to lose their jobs before George Bush loses his?” and was less than impressed with Bush’s landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, remarking, “If he really wanted to show us the state of affairs, he should have landed on a patch of quicksand.”
	John Kerry Many complain about his lack of humor, but Kerry recently brought down the house with this remark: “General Boykin has confused the heck out of the White House on all this talk about the Almighty. When he talks about the Almighty, the president thinks he’s talking about Cheney, Cheney thinks he’s talking about Halliburton … and John Ashcroft thinks they’re talking about him.”
	Dennis Kucinich As the only candidate who has offered to set up a Department of Peace, Kucinich usually avoids personal attacks and focuses his criticism on policies. His most bitter remarks came this past Labor Day when Bush decided to use Ohio as a photo op backdrop. After tremendously understating that Bush was “no friend of working people,” Kucinich said, “I hope his tour of the state will include the empty factories and bankrupt corporations.”
	Joseph Lieberman Incredibly, the seemingly sober senator once defeated Christopher Hitchens in a celebrity stand-up contest. The following quip makes this a little easier to understand. “In the Bush administration, the foxes are guarding the foxes, and the middle-class hens are getting plucked. I want to make it clear I said plucked.”
	Al Sharpton After Bush’s “Bring ’em on” taunt, Sharpton compared the president to “a gang leader in South Central L.A.” If elected, he promised Bush a position “in the Bureau of Missing Persons because he keeps missing everything he goes after.” As for the infamous tax breaks, Sharpton thought they were “like Jim Jones giving [out] Kool Aid. It tastes good, but it’ll kill you.”

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• Reader Comments

  All the canidates should agree to devote one dabate to ouestions for WUYA and drop the attacks on each other. There is so much to condemn in the Bush policy it vould occupy one whole evening and maybe make the Democrtic Party look stronger. WE need to beat BUSH.

  Posted by roxie on Dec 17, 2003 at 12:39 AM

  what happened to edwards?

  It seems like he dissapeared from any contention.

  Posted by brad on Dec 17, 2003 at 5:57 AM

  Hey Jr. an intelligent man has that look in his eyes ,an intelligent man doesnt have to say the same sentence to Gemany 99 times, a smart man would not put on a miitary uniform if he never wore one himself
  a smart man wouldnt get his picture taken without his makeup,
  and a smart man who would be president would take care of his country ,not fight AND THREATEN everybody else and forget the USA——-a SMART MAN WOUDVE LISTENED TO HIJACK WARNINGS ISSUED
  BEFORE 911

  Posted by Jeb Stuart on Dec 17, 2003 at 6:53 AM

  in Wars the vets with agent orange die,old soldiers never get good medical care.Ive known 13 Nam Vets die
  in the last few yrs and many WW11 vets too
  what does the govt do for us ??? Nothing but
  B/S WHATS THE USE ,HERES A WARNING TO THOSE GREAT SOLDIERS WHO FOUGHT IN iRAQ ,wHEN THE GOVTS DONE WITH YOU YOUR JUST A FORGOTTEN NOBODY
  THEY AINT GONNA DO A DAMNN THING FOR YOU

  Posted by Fred Nam Vet on Dec 17, 2003 at 7:02 AM

  Just so you can put faces to names….and the quotes are pretty good, too.

  Posted by jeff on Dec 17, 2003 at 4:33 PM

• extended discussion >>>Continued...

  Discussions with more than 5 comments are continued on our special discussion page to encourage continuity and ease of use. There are currently 13 posts.

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