Page 1 of 1 pages
There is only one really effective way to avoid growing older, and it’s not pleasant. Still, one can grow old without being unhealthy and out of shape. Very few “imperiously fat’” folks make it to 92. And being obese and old at the same time definitely decreases quality of life.
The writer is correct, however, that women should not be required to maintain some false youthfulness. Good health is still the most effective beauty product. Everything else simply imitates it.
I also get the feeling that sex has been a sort of hardship for the writer instead of an adventure. Maybe I’m just fortunate that my pre-wife girlfriends didn’t have to “figure out the orgasm thing” and simply had and enjoyed them. Even luckier (for her and me) that my wife had orgasms in childhood. Am I misreading this, or does the writer find sex a chore and wish to make us all feel bad that we enjoy it?
My wife is currently going through menopause. Since she is very fit and teaches Chi Gung and Kung Fu, and has prepared for this day with herbs and diet, she has no problems and has lost no desire for sex. I am not going to encourage her to slack off, thanks.
Finally, my 78 year old widowed father just married 3 months ago
Posted by opeluboy on Mar 1, 2006 at 6:33 PM
How sad. I hope that the writer “figures out” much more of life before she is too much older.
Me i plan to have a healthy and happy life as i grow older. Tennis and reading, along with (of course!!!) sex. Surely there is more to look forward to than getting obese (why keep the apeitite for food and not sex?) and stupid. . .
Posted by wolf on Mar 2, 2006 at 9:24 AM
Why someone thinks we need orientation about our desire and the course of our sexual life? Congratulations, Laskhmi, It
Posted by marisaoli on Mar 2, 2006 at 8:09 PM
At this point of life while I’m facing continued middle-age spread, I find that I really feel better when I keep moving around and don’t indulge my tongue’s attraction for sweets too often. I can’t say that I’ve dropped any interest in being attractive, but mobility and feeling energetic are fine compensations for sticking more closely to healthier fare, and luckily I like fruits and veggies so it’s no sacrifice. Having been with the same girl since age 18 the sexual marketplace is pretty much an alien nation. Having said all that, it’s cool when your mate (long-term or met-recently) is turned on to you. It’s fun. Fun is its own reward, yes?
Not being female, obviously I’ve experienced not even a fraction of the social obsessiveness with the shape of my body. My mother, wife, daughter, and female pals have clarified that fact to me quite directly. Quite. Directly.
Next birthday I’ll be in the latter half of my 40s, so that means everything on my body will continue to get bigger, softer, and closer to the ground, accelerating ever-faster until I look like my paunchy, stooped, thin-haired, wrinkly-faced grandfather of 92 (although for me, I’ll probably look like that at 62).
If I could be as cool, fun-loving, mobile, and mentally sharp as him at his age (or 30 years younger than his age), I’d consider myself one fortunate hombre.
When the day comes that I can’t move around or think clearly, however, it’s time for me to sleep with the fishes. Years in front of daytime TV noshing junkfood all day? Horrors! Literally a fate worse than death.
Posted by Kuya on Mar 3, 2006 at 1:09 AM
Kudos to LC for a great article! I’ve wanted to be old all my life! Being young has never worked for me! I’m unhappy! At least when I’m old I’ll get Social Security, Medicare, and a lot of rest and time to write, write, write!
Posted by cabdriverinchicago on Mar 6, 2006 at 10:40 AM
<i>At least when I
Posted by wolf on Mar 7, 2006 at 8:09 AM
Kuya (Mar 3, 2006 at 3:09 AM) wrote: Next birthday I’ll be in the latter half of my 40s, so that means everything on my body will continue to get bigger, softer, and closer to the ground
I’m a few years older than Kuya, and I can tell you, not everything gets bigger, although you’re pretty much right about softer, and closer to the ground
Posted by pwolfson on Mar 8, 2006 at 7:08 AM
Thank you for addressing this timely subject. I will be 50 in two weeks, and I am calling it my “Golden” birthday. I have always found each year to be better than the last. Certainly, it beats the alternative, but more than that, life gets easier and more rewarding with age.
So many things are easier because you’ve done them before. Grownup children are delightful companions. The prospect of grandchildren thrills me. Post-midlife-crisis, one can see the choices more clearly and apply personal criteria to them.
Though I do look forward to an active and fulfilling sex-life, I agree with the author that Sheehy’s book is full of the same self-hating, negative body-image and youth-obssessed poison that a certain segment of society takes as its wisdom.
Wrinkles, for a cliche instance, are a map that shows where you’ve been. I am proud of them, because the deepest ones are smile lines. And I plan to make them deeper over the next 50 or more years.
Posted by DoubleVision on Mar 8, 2006 at 11:09 AM
In her description of her grandmother Lakshmi Chaudhry creates an aluring picture of a wonderful lady overflowing with folds of warmth that one can get lost in and savor the joy of permanent sexlessness.. The problem with this picture is that it is a myth - the term myth being used not to suggest that it is a lie but in its anthropological sense of an idealized construct that serves the purpose of wish-fulfillment. For Lakshmi Chaudhry’s Myth to work, two important aspects of reality have to be deliberately erased from consideration; one is all the minor and major medical complications that result from accumulation of fat; and the other reality is that of a grandfather who may still like to revel in sexual pleasures but cannot because those desires are sucked up by the oodles of fat that is the pride and joy of the wonderful grandmother.
It is possible that there might be situations where a woman is blessed with a body that is fat and yet is as nimble as an adolescent gymnast and also has no one in her life that is knocking on the bedroom’s sexual door. Perhaps these factors did converge in the life of Lakshmi Chaudhry grandmother. But how often does this happen ?
To use an analogy, it would be wonderful to have an all-knowing all-wise political leader who guides her country through all trials and tribulations. But the founding fathers of America knew this was a myth and so they made sure that there are checks and balances emanating from the other wings of government.
All women (and men too) as they grow up are forced to confront the fact that adiposity is ever lurking in the background to wrap its folds around the heart and other organs of the body; all women have to come to grips with the ever-lurking sexual needs of the men in their lives - whether those men are septuagenarians or still in their thirties. It is to help women deal with this situation, so full of horror as far as Lakshmi Chaudhry is concerned, that Gail Sheehy has seen fit to write her book. And, horror of horrors, it might just be possible that there may still be women in their thirties or later years who find sex alluring.
Posted by teja on Mar 10, 2006 at 10:16 PM
i love Lakshmi’s article, attitude and humor, i am 52, and sure i feel kind of like 30 inside.. but, i had a great fantastic time at the different stages,
or some awful times, its life.. loved, dating, bonding, working, sex, falling in love, hated getting hurt.. loved and still love my family, nieces,
nephews and their kids. yes, i guess lots of “us” boomers are alone, but i figure from so much marriage turnover.. probably we’ll all get tired
or the dating game.. and hopefully i will have a comportable and happy lasting relationship, friendship/ companion.. the way i see it, is, the different ages, stages are all natural, i mostly try to accept each one for its positive aspects,... about the sex, i had a great time being sought after by the guys, lots of invitations, suiters, flattery, flirting and oogling…
lol.. i actually really dont miss the staring and oogling.. from my teens
to forties.. whew.. was fun a lot, but i am definitely thankful to walk around and feel anonymous !!! feel even a bit safer and freer, ... and
as they say… not getting older but wiser.. maybe.. i look forward to hopefully always reading, learning, and passing on knowledge and
experience to younger generations, as i had absorbed from my late mom and dad, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.. i think the partnership thing is wonderful, my folks were great pals, and fun to be with, even more in their older years, and lived almost to 90 .. its great to have a companion, into latter years, but the love and company, of family,
grandchildren, grand nieces, etc, with or with out ones spouse is i would think the most heartwarming part, giving the love, looking after them, being looked after, the icing on the cake, ... and the society’s that do have repsect for their elders, which hopefully will be ours also, will have the true cycle of a very full life, rich and filled with love and caring and sharing, crying and helping, all the way through from birth and toddler hood, through career, sexual maturity, work and contributing to society, adulthood, old age, much warmth, love, fullfillment, not shallow worrying about superficialities, .. and filled with anxiety ..
fullfillment, and very full life.. thanks Laks, for the wonderful thoughts,
i couldnt agree more, peaceful love and family values, contentment, not anxiety over dress size, or trying to be young at all costs of actually being happy.. everyone.. be happy, accept who you are, especially if you cant change it.. and if you get too tired, dont forget to get your thyroid checked… :)
Posted by crazydoc on Mar 12, 2006 at 12:40 PM
I shrieked with joy when I read your opening paragraphs. Next week I’ll be 60, and I keep asking, “When am I allowed to be old?” The way things are going, I suspect I’ll be dead before I get to relax.
In the world we now inhabit, everyone from my daughter to self-help books to rock n roll idols tells me I don’t have to get old; indeed, if I do, I’m letting the team down. It’s my own negativity that I believe there’s something I can no longer do (or can’t do something I’ve never even done, such as surfing).
Meanwhile, I long to just sit on the beach letting my fat hang out, dispensing sandwiches and towels to my grandsons. That’s the way I remember the older women in my family. They were lucky; they weren’t under this pressure to look, dress and act young for all of eternity. It was annoying enough at 30, I sure don’t want to continue it at 60. Until today I had no idea that anyone, much less a younger woman, understood this.
Posted by marquest on Mar 12, 2006 at 1:50 PM
I’m a 58 year old woman. I looked 40 until I turned 53 or so and then suddenly all my years caught up to me. Now I look my age. When I look in the mirror, I see a healthier version of my grandmother, and although it’s taking some getting used to, I can live with this.
As far as the sexually-active part is concerned, from the ages of 40 to 46 I had the most sexually satisfying relationship I can imagine. In fact, I cannot imagine anything that could come even close, and so I consider myself retired from that activity. No, it’s not sour grapes. In one way it’s to honor what I did have. In another way, it’s a whole new kind of freedom for a woman who spent so much of life from age 13 on to being attractive: shaving my legs, putting on makeup, buying new clothes, wearing uncomfortable shoes, watching my weight, drinking too much and hanging out with people I was attracted to physically. When it became clear that I had attained menopause, I felt a huge relief at an entire way of life I could let go.
And so now I don’t worry about all that. Gail Sheehy’s passionate life sounds fine, but I’m retired from from the game of being attractive on youthful terms. They’ll have to take me just as I am: a 58 year old woman, who, at 5"4, 170 lbs, looks like a woman who has lived a good life. And I am continuing to do so, with a deeper acceptance of all the experiences of my life so far and plans for a different future based on a vision of aging as a time to contribute , not isolate myself in continuing the youthful obsession with romance. Last year I became involved with a project that represents a calling and a life’s work and a dream come true in terms of the opportunity to contribute and work with people I love and admire. I think that’s the direction to turn when we get old.
Thanks, Lakshmi. I’m a long-time reader of Gail’s books but I don’t think I have to spend my money on this one.
Posted by LindsayD58 on Mar 14, 2006 at 11:41 AM
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Reader Comments
There is only one really effective way to avoid growing older, and it’s not pleasant. Still, one can grow old without being unhealthy and out of shape. Very few “imperiously fat’” folks make it to 92. And being obese and old at the same time definitely decreases quality of life.
The writer is correct, however, that women should not be required to maintain some false youthfulness. Good health is still the most effective beauty product. Everything else simply imitates it.
I also get the feeling that sex has been a sort of hardship for the writer instead of an adventure. Maybe I’m just fortunate that my pre-wife girlfriends didn’t have to “figure out the orgasm thing” and simply had and enjoyed them. Even luckier (for her and me) that my wife had orgasms in childhood. Am I misreading this, or does the writer find sex a chore and wish to make us all feel bad that we enjoy it?
My wife is currently going through menopause. Since she is very fit and teaches Chi Gung and Kung Fu, and has prepared for this day with herbs and diet, she has no problems and has lost no desire for sex. I am not going to encourage her to slack off, thanks.
Finally, my 78 year old widowed father just married 3 months ago
How sad. I hope that the writer “figures out” much more of life before she is too much older.
Me i plan to have a healthy and happy life as i grow older. Tennis and reading, along with (of course!!!) sex. Surely there is more to look forward to than getting obese (why keep the apeitite for food and not sex?) and stupid. . .
Why someone thinks we need orientation about our desire and the course of our sexual life? Congratulations, Laskhmi, It
At this point of life while I’m facing continued middle-age spread, I find that I really feel better when I keep moving around and don’t indulge my tongue’s attraction for sweets too often. I can’t say that I’ve dropped any interest in being attractive, but mobility and feeling energetic are fine compensations for sticking more closely to healthier fare, and luckily I like fruits and veggies so it’s no sacrifice. Having been with the same girl since age 18 the sexual marketplace is pretty much an alien nation. Having said all that, it’s cool when your mate (long-term or met-recently) is turned on to you. It’s fun. Fun is its own reward, yes?
Not being female, obviously I’ve experienced not even a fraction of the social obsessiveness with the shape of my body. My mother, wife, daughter, and female pals have clarified that fact to me quite directly. Quite. Directly.
Next birthday I’ll be in the latter half of my 40s, so that means everything on my body will continue to get bigger, softer, and closer to the ground, accelerating ever-faster until I look like my paunchy, stooped, thin-haired, wrinkly-faced grandfather of 92 (although for me, I’ll probably look like that at 62).
If I could be as cool, fun-loving, mobile, and mentally sharp as him at his age (or 30 years younger than his age), I’d consider myself one fortunate hombre.
When the day comes that I can’t move around or think clearly, however, it’s time for me to sleep with the fishes. Years in front of daytime TV noshing junkfood all day? Horrors! Literally a fate worse than death.
Kudos to LC for a great article! I’ve wanted to be old all my life! Being young has never worked for me! I’m unhappy! At least when I’m old I’ll get Social Security, Medicare, and a lot of rest and time to write, write, write!
<i>At least when I
Kuya (Mar 3, 2006 at 3:09 AM) wrote: Next birthday I’ll be in the latter half of my 40s, so that means everything on my body will continue to get bigger, softer, and closer to the ground
I’m a few years older than Kuya, and I can tell you, not everything gets bigger, although you’re pretty much right about softer, and closer to the ground
Thank you for addressing this timely subject. I will be 50 in two weeks, and I am calling it my “Golden” birthday. I have always found each year to be better than the last. Certainly, it beats the alternative, but more than that, life gets easier and more rewarding with age.
So many things are easier because you’ve done them before. Grownup children are delightful companions. The prospect of grandchildren thrills me. Post-midlife-crisis, one can see the choices more clearly and apply personal criteria to them.
Though I do look forward to an active and fulfilling sex-life, I agree with the author that Sheehy’s book is full of the same self-hating, negative body-image and youth-obssessed poison that a certain segment of society takes as its wisdom.
Wrinkles, for a cliche instance, are a map that shows where you’ve been. I am proud of them, because the deepest ones are smile lines. And I plan to make them deeper over the next 50 or more years.
In her description of her grandmother Lakshmi Chaudhry creates an aluring picture of a wonderful lady overflowing with folds of warmth that one can get lost in and savor the joy of permanent sexlessness.. The problem with this picture is that it is a myth - the term myth being used not to suggest that it is a lie but in its anthropological sense of an idealized construct that serves the purpose of wish-fulfillment. For Lakshmi Chaudhry’s Myth to work, two important aspects of reality have to be deliberately erased from consideration; one is all the minor and major medical complications that result from accumulation of fat; and the other reality is that of a grandfather who may still like to revel in sexual pleasures but cannot because those desires are sucked up by the oodles of fat that is the pride and joy of the wonderful grandmother.
It is possible that there might be situations where a woman is blessed with a body that is fat and yet is as nimble as an adolescent gymnast and also has no one in her life that is knocking on the bedroom’s sexual door. Perhaps these factors did converge in the life of Lakshmi Chaudhry grandmother. But how often does this happen ?
To use an analogy, it would be wonderful to have an all-knowing all-wise political leader who guides her country through all trials and tribulations. But the founding fathers of America knew this was a myth and so they made sure that there are checks and balances emanating from the other wings of government.
All women (and men too) as they grow up are forced to confront the fact that adiposity is ever lurking in the background to wrap its folds around the heart and other organs of the body; all women have to come to grips with the ever-lurking sexual needs of the men in their lives - whether those men are septuagenarians or still in their thirties. It is to help women deal with this situation, so full of horror as far as Lakshmi Chaudhry is concerned, that Gail Sheehy has seen fit to write her book. And, horror of horrors, it might just be possible that there may still be women in their thirties or later years who find sex alluring.
i love Lakshmi’s article, attitude and humor, i am 52, and sure i feel kind of like 30 inside.. but, i had a great fantastic time at the different stages,
or some awful times, its life.. loved, dating, bonding, working, sex, falling in love, hated getting hurt.. loved and still love my family, nieces,
nephews and their kids. yes, i guess lots of “us” boomers are alone, but i figure from so much marriage turnover.. probably we’ll all get tired
or the dating game.. and hopefully i will have a comportable and happy lasting relationship, friendship/ companion.. the way i see it, is, the different ages, stages are all natural, i mostly try to accept each one for its positive aspects,... about the sex, i had a great time being sought after by the guys, lots of invitations, suiters, flattery, flirting and oogling…
lol.. i actually really dont miss the staring and oogling.. from my teens
to forties.. whew.. was fun a lot, but i am definitely thankful to walk around and feel anonymous !!! feel even a bit safer and freer, ... and
as they say… not getting older but wiser.. maybe.. i look forward to hopefully always reading, learning, and passing on knowledge and
experience to younger generations, as i had absorbed from my late mom and dad, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.. i think the partnership thing is wonderful, my folks were great pals, and fun to be with, even more in their older years, and lived almost to 90 .. its great to have a companion, into latter years, but the love and company, of family,
grandchildren, grand nieces, etc, with or with out ones spouse is i would think the most heartwarming part, giving the love, looking after them, being looked after, the icing on the cake, ... and the society’s that do have repsect for their elders, which hopefully will be ours also, will have the true cycle of a very full life, rich and filled with love and caring and sharing, crying and helping, all the way through from birth and toddler hood, through career, sexual maturity, work and contributing to society, adulthood, old age, much warmth, love, fullfillment, not shallow worrying about superficialities, .. and filled with anxiety ..
fullfillment, and very full life.. thanks Laks, for the wonderful thoughts,
i couldnt agree more, peaceful love and family values, contentment, not anxiety over dress size, or trying to be young at all costs of actually being happy.. everyone.. be happy, accept who you are, especially if you cant change it.. and if you get too tired, dont forget to get your thyroid checked… :)
I shrieked with joy when I read your opening paragraphs. Next week I’ll be 60, and I keep asking, “When am I allowed to be old?” The way things are going, I suspect I’ll be dead before I get to relax.
In the world we now inhabit, everyone from my daughter to self-help books to rock n roll idols tells me I don’t have to get old; indeed, if I do, I’m letting the team down. It’s my own negativity that I believe there’s something I can no longer do (or can’t do something I’ve never even done, such as surfing).
Meanwhile, I long to just sit on the beach letting my fat hang out, dispensing sandwiches and towels to my grandsons. That’s the way I remember the older women in my family. They were lucky; they weren’t under this pressure to look, dress and act young for all of eternity. It was annoying enough at 30, I sure don’t want to continue it at 60. Until today I had no idea that anyone, much less a younger woman, understood this.
I’m a 58 year old woman. I looked 40 until I turned 53 or so and then suddenly all my years caught up to me. Now I look my age. When I look in the mirror, I see a healthier version of my grandmother, and although it’s taking some getting used to, I can live with this.
As far as the sexually-active part is concerned, from the ages of 40 to 46 I had the most sexually satisfying relationship I can imagine. In fact, I cannot imagine anything that could come even close, and so I consider myself retired from that activity. No, it’s not sour grapes. In one way it’s to honor what I did have. In another way, it’s a whole new kind of freedom for a woman who spent so much of life from age 13 on to being attractive: shaving my legs, putting on makeup, buying new clothes, wearing uncomfortable shoes, watching my weight, drinking too much and hanging out with people I was attracted to physically. When it became clear that I had attained menopause, I felt a huge relief at an entire way of life I could let go.
And so now I don’t worry about all that. Gail Sheehy’s passionate life sounds fine, but I’m retired from from the game of being attractive on youthful terms. They’ll have to take me just as I am: a 58 year old woman, who, at 5"4, 170 lbs, looks like a woman who has lived a good life. And I am continuing to do so, with a deeper acceptance of all the experiences of my life so far and plans for a different future based on a vision of aging as a time to contribute , not isolate myself in continuing the youthful obsession with romance. Last year I became involved with a project that represents a calling and a life’s work and a dream come true in terms of the opportunity to contribute and work with people I love and admire. I think that’s the direction to turn when we get old.
Thanks, Lakshmi. I’m a long-time reader of Gail’s books but I don’t think I have to spend my money on this one.
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