Patricia Beninato spent January 22, 2003, the 30th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, in an Internet chat room, discussing the ruling’s significance. During the course of the exchange, something struck her. Virtually every participant became uneasy when asked to acknowledge the positive aspects of abortion. Beninato was aghast. “The pro-choice crowd was deferring to the pro-life crowd. I couldn’t believe it.… return to article
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Reader Comments (24)Page 1 of 1 pagesThis story disgusts me. You want to know why there are not a lot of women saying they loved their abortions? Because most of them do have guilt. They murdered their unborn child. If this is their right, then so be it. They will forever know what they did. I guess women should through parties after an abortion. It wasn’t a baby I just killed, it was just a lump of meat that was growing inside me. Maybe they should BBQ the fetus at these parties. That would close the loop fully. “This thing stole all these nutrients from my liberated female body, I will now take them back.”
ps. use a condom take the pill, ADOPTION not MURDER
Posted by sickened on Jul 28, 2003 at 1:21 AM Dear Sickened,
Condoms break, the pill can fail, and some of us can’t carry a baby to term without risking our lives, so abortion needs to stay legal.
I’m not sorry I had mine. I’m all for adoption, but no doctor was going to let me carry to term.
Deal with it.
Posted by selenium7 on Jul 28, 2003 at 3:34 PM FAO Sickened:
Quote:
“They murdered their unborn child.”
Incorrect. Murder is a legal term, and you will find if you check the law on this matter that an abortion does not consitute a murder.
Posted by Jim_Digriz on Jul 28, 2003 at 7:26 PM I felt that something positive needed to be said about this article because I agree that both sides of the story should be made available for someone to make an inform decision. Pro Lifers tend to use scare tactics and non supported statistical data,ProChoicers tend to be more Pro Women here are the facts and dont force abortion as the solution but are supportive if that is the choice made. I believe that the article just says that it is possible to be confident in ones decision, not throw a party but im not sorry. net offers a support network and there is nothing wrong with that.
Very bold article! I commend Bader and Beninato.
Posted by Renee on Jul 29, 2003 at 8:00 PM Hate to clue Beninato in, but not all aboritons are 20 minutes. Does she even know the abortion procedures…doe snot sound like it.
Also would like to let her know that those suffering from abortion are “real women” too. Seems to be this thing in the pro choice community…if you do not agree, you are not a woman.
“Happy about having an abortion”...no matter what the results I do not think there are many women out there “happy” about it.
Beninato spends so much time justifying abortion, I would tend to believe it bothers her…if it didnot she would not be so threatened by those women who are voicing the negative consequences they have faced. She would be happy they as “women” are getting helped .
Posted by Theresa Bonopartis on Jul 31, 2003 at 11:41 AM The website, the story, and the reader responses to the story all show how the abortion issue—on both sides—is preventing our human family and American society from moving forward.
Pro-lifers are so wrapped up in an ideological need to label abortion “murder” that they fail to show any real compassion toward women who need love and support, not fire-breathing criticism.
Pro-choicers, understandably put on the defensive by rigidly conservative pro-life Christians, predictably react defensively and create a culture where abortions are okay in situations of mere inconvenience, not just severe hardship. Adoption—the solution that can solve this issue from both perspectives—goes ignored.
Ultimately, neither side is any more or less guilty, but if a burden does exist on this issue, it is on the pro-life side. Why? Because those who vote for pro-life politicians, using abortion as a one-issue litmus test, fail to realize that abortion is NOT one isolated issue.
Abortion is about living wages for women. Abortion is about generous maternity leave policies for women. Abortion is about reasonable welfare-to-work guidelines for women. Abortion is about making adoptions both cheaper and more accessible. These are issues more commonly associated with liberals than conservatives, so it falls to conservative pro-lifers to push these issues of social and economic justice.
The bottom line? Support women in real and tangible ways, and women won’t be inclined to choose abortions. You have to love and support women instead of ruthlessly criticizing them. Live in their world instead of standing on the sidelines and using ideologically-charged comments that won’t help the situation at all.
In closing, all who read this should feel free to e-mail me—we need to establish and sustain productive conversations on this most divisive issue.
Posted by Matt Zemek on Jul 31, 2003 at 3:21 PM I had an abortion 9 years ago and I am so grateful I had access to an affordable abortion. I was in college, my partner was not father material and I was unemployed. Abortion was a god-send, pun intended. As for the pain, it was less painful than a tonsilectomy I had. I’ll fight now and forever for a woman’s right to chose.
Posted by J on Jul 31, 2003 at 11:14 PM Eleanor Bader is way off the reality page when she writes that pages on the internet where women express pain after abortion are “all sponsored by anti-abortion organizations.”
Anyone with a search engine can easily find websites like the Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome support page at www.afterabortion.com, which has over 4,500 registered users, and which is independently financed by its users and owner, a pro-choice woman.
And it is just one (although the largest) of such independent sites on the web, where men and women, without any help or support from anti-abortion organizations, pour out their feelings about past abortions.
Many of those feelings are negative.
Don’t close your ears to those stories, Ms. Bader. Take them in. Treat them with respect. Give them due consideration. Listen.
Posted by Emily on Aug 1, 2003 at 12:47 PM Brandy, who writes, “I got pregnant at 15 but because I did have the abortion I finished school and currently work in a good career.”
This is a solid endorsement for abortion? I know people who carried to term, still finished school, and now work steadily. You make things happen to ensure good outcomes. A baby is not the end of the world.
“If I had had the baby I probably would have gotten married, quit school, and stayed in an abusive situation longer than I did for the sake of the child.”
But she won’t really know this, will she? There are other paths to choose.
It is a great poverty to decide that a child must die, that you may live as you wish. - Mother Teresa
Posted by Kat on Aug 1, 2003 at 4:19 PM This story is critical of pro-lifers’ intentions and their “rants”, yet it reads like hate mail to Susie Prolife.
‘Beninato was aghast. “The pro-choice crowd was deferring to the pro-life crowd. I couldn’t believe it…’
Honestly…who is she to say what these people were feeling? They were in a safe, anonymous, like-minded chat room…the fact that they did not say they were happy about their abortions probably means they were not happy about their abortions. SERIOUSLY, good for her that she is - nobody wants her, or any other woman, to suffer.
What I wish for is a world in which women and men who feel as she does have the same respect for those of us who dare to feel differently.
If you want proof that pro-lifers, REAL pro-lifers who respect life and everyone in it, are not all crazy zagnuts, check out NRLC’s Dave Andrusko’s Today’s News & Views. Andrusko is compassionate, well-informed, fair, and genuinely supportive of women who made the decision to have an abortion.
CLAIMING to be open-minded and compassionate does not make one so - I am often amazed at how unfairly some pro-choicers view us.
Stereotyping is so 1960’s.
Posted by Mary Boozell on Aug 1, 2003 at 7:40 PM So abortion supporters describe the people who disagree with them as the face of hate. What’s new? To see how this STAUNCH abortion supporter managed a complete and total “about face” go here:
http://thesiclecell.blogspot.com/2003_02_23_thesiclecell_archive.html#89964197 I no longer support abortion and have personally given options to women they didn’t know they had. Those women made positive choices, and years later these complete strangers are my best friends. Being a woman who cares about women, my message is no longer: Your child or your future-you must choose between them. No! A woman can have them both! We are strong, we are intelligent, we are compassionate and WE DESERVE BETTER THAN ABORTION.
Posted by Ashli on Aug 2, 2003 at 3:07 PM What bothers me—and what was the primary motivation for me to create INS—is that if a woman dares to express anything other than breast-beating grief and anguish over her choice to undergo an abortion, she is looked at as some sort of heinous child-hating monster, even by those who claim to support her choice. How can the pro-choice movement continue its fight to keep abortion safe and legal when its own members imply that no “decent” woman should ever want an abortion or, if she does have one, not regret it?
I find it almost humorous that INS, which is practically unique in sites of its type, is continually bombarded to “show both sides of the story” when other abortion story sites outright refuse to post positive experiences, even the ones that claim to be “neutral.” It is true that afterabortion.com is not sponsored by any anti-choice organization, but it is very strongly implied there that any woman who undergoes an abortion will be wallowing in grief and sorrow afterwards, and that is simply not the case. Does INS discount women who do regret abortions? Of course not. Do other abortion sites discount women who don’t regret abortion? Constantly. I personally am not “threatened” by women who regret their abortions. I find those women to be sad—because they were obviously talked into something they did not want to do but could not—or would not—stand up for what THEY wanted. It seems to me that people are “threatened” when a woman has the “audacity” to say, “Yeah, I had an abortion. It was no big deal and I’m not sorry and I won’t play the victim or the martyr over it. Sorry if that offends your view of the world and how it should be, but it’s the truth.”
Posted by Patricia Beninato on Aug 2, 2003 at 5:33 PM Sickened,
I’d be willing to bet you are NOT a woman. The hate in your words is chilling. Please, go adopt a child, and get over it… uh, no, never mind. Hate is hate. What is your story?
Christianity is not about hate…have you heard?
Posted by amolibri on Aug 4, 2003 at 1:41 AM Patricia Beninato writes in her comment that at the www.afterabortion.com site, “it is very strongly implied there that any woman who undergoes an abortion will be wallowing in grief and sorrow afterwards.”
I don’t agree. Note, for instance, the article by that site’s founder at http://www.afterabortion.com/social.html where she writes:
“There are women who abort and do so completely of their own free will. These women have no regrets, no remorse, and are happy they had this choice available.”
Posted by Emily on Aug 4, 2003 at 12:54 PM “There are women who abort and do so completely of their own free will. These women have no regrets, no remorse, and are happy they had this choice available.”
Which is followed immediately by:
“But a growing number of women are speaking up about how abortion affected them adversely.” And so on and so forth. Very similar to what is written in the INS section “Why This Site Was Created”—flip-flopped, true, but similar. The obligatory disclaimer, you might call it.
The fact remains, however, that INS is an exception and not the norm for abortion story sites, so why “pro-lifers” claim that there’s no place where women who regret their abortions can share their stories is beyond me. There’s DOZENS.
Posted by Patricia Beninato on Aug 4, 2003 at 1:26 PM Well, here we are… instead of talking about SOLUTIONS to the abortion issue—focusing on better social and economic justice for women on a full range of issues—we’re talking about semantics, about implied meanings, and engaging in a tit-for-tat discussion that, let’s face it, won’t help that 18-year-old woman living in poverty and who has just been abandoned by her boyfriend and is facing a crisis pregnancy.
To both sides, can we just focus on solutions? Patricia, I respect and honor the nobility and humanity of your cause, and the advocacy you’re performing on behalf of women who feel marginalized and minimized by withering criticism from society that should instead be replaced with compassion and empathy.
Now, having stated how much I honor and respect what you are doing, Patricia, you should honor what Emily is trying to do instead of looking for imperfections in her strategy and words.
This is an issue that rips apart lives and breaks emotions wide open. Let’s solve the issue, add more compassion instead of division, and make abortions unneeded, even while we do keep them safe and legal in the meantime.
OK?
Posted by Matt Zemek on Aug 4, 2003 at 6:55 PM Regardless of whether a woman is sorry or not about her abortion, a human life is ended in each and every abortion.
Is there anyone out there who was not once a fetus?
Anyone who would be here today if THEIR Mother chose abortion instead of LIFE?
And how can we, as women, choose abortion when we ourselves are destroyed by our own mothers?
I fail to understand how anyone has a ‘right to choose’ if they don’t even have a right to life.
Sincerely,
Risha
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Conceived unexpectedly, to an unmarried bipolar Mother in 1979,
a grateful survivor of legalized murder and loving life more than ever! ( If it’s not murder, would you be ALIVE if your Mom aborted you??)PS. Mommy, what’s a safe abortion?
Posted by Risha Zertuche on Aug 4, 2003 at 11:08 PM I hesitate to write this for fear of being misunderstood (emotions are obviously running high on this message board) but it is difficult to read what Patricia has to say without wondering who these nasty people are that she is exposing herself to. She may have honorable motives, but her words are careless and unfair at best. The anger she is focusing on a very large and diverse group is inaccurate. I know a great number of pro-life individuals, all of who care about mothers and their children, whether the mother has made the legal choice to abort her baby or carry to full term. We obviously try to help the mother’s make a truly informed decision, but that doesn’t make us anti-choice.
I may have already lost your interest, Patricia, but I would like to suggest: read the thoughtful and caring messages on this message board - these are not hateful people, but the issue is emotional. And consider that the angry or judgmental messages are not personal, against you, they are about the author. Even my message, is, obviously about me and my experiences…maybe a misguided attempt to help, but an attempt none-the-less.
And your messages might be easier to receive if you didn’t come across as so angry. Ask yourself, what are your motivations…to make pro-lifers feel stupid and small minded, or to spread light on the issue of women who are not unhappy that they had abortions?
Our sides passionately disagree…doesn’t make either side hateful or evil, just different.
Posted by Mary Boozell on Aug 5, 2003 at 4:32 PM Mary, I’m well aware that there are a few who hold “pro-life” views that are reasonable. I have no problem with them, and a few have even posted in INS’ guestbook, much to the outrage of pro-choicers (and I’ve had to step in a few times to prevent flame wars from breaking out). You ask me if my motivation for INS is “to make pro-lifers feel stupid and small minded, or to spread light on the issue of women who are not unhappy that they had abortions?” It seems to me that most “pro-lifers” do a fairly good job of making themselves look stupid and small-minded without my help, judging from the copious amounts of semi-illiterate hate mail INS receives. If you read the site, you will see that I am much more respectful of “pro-lifers” than they are of me. If that makes me look “angry” in your eyes, so be it.
Posted by Patricia Beninato on Aug 6, 2003 at 2:19 PM There is only one reason to have sex, and that is to produce offspring. If you donít want children, donít have sex. Masturbate instead. Abortion is so obviously murder. (Gave my two cents.)
Posted by Mike on Aug 8, 2003 at 8:30 AM hey ashli, you write: “Your child or your future-you must choose between them. No! A woman can have them both! We are strong, we are intelligent, we are compassionate and WE DESERVE BETTER THAN ABORTION.”
what if we’re not choosing between our future and our baby? what if we just don’t want to have a baby?
for the record, i’ve had multiple abortions and i’m fine. people need to stop using the bad experiences of some women as an argument against abortion. i think imnotsorry.net is fabulous. i don’t regret my decisions for a second.
Posted by sarah on Aug 11, 2003 at 8:33 PM EVERYONE, PLEASE, before writing back in the negative, could we all remember that this new site is to COUNTER THE OVER-WHELMING NUMBER OF SITES THAT ARE ALREADY AROUND THAT PUSH AN ANTI-CHOICE AGENDA!
All of you Anti-s are already dominating things…let’s be fair and have more equal numbers. Are you threatened by fairness and facts?
When you are so viciously negative, it says much more about you than about your opponents! Maybe you should examine why you are so insecure with your argument? (You may be doing more harm than good with knee-jerk emotional reactions!)
Women are 51% of the population! Anything that doesn’t fairly address all of our needs is anti-social. You can’t hate half of humanity and be socially well! WAKE UP!
I personally am thrilled and thankful to live in a time where access to abortions saved my life more than once! (I know of dozens with similar stories!)
Personally, trying to deal with being raised by a mentally ill father headed me down a path of dysfunction, bad influence and abuse and my decisions were not sanely responsible.
I would have ruined more than my own life for generations if I hadn’t been allowed the choice for safe, legal abortion. I was given more than a second chance and now I am happier than I ever thought possible.
I am almost 50 now; my bad experiences were in my 20’s and far behind me. I am content, in love, financially secure and have the opposite of regrets as to living childfree.
I am proud that I never passed on my father’s mental illness. It dies with me, by choice. I do not need to make a copy of myself to feed my ego and carry on a family name. My deeds do that.
I will die knowing that I have helped society more than I have harmed it. I love the responsibility I have accepted and the right to do so.
Current politics challenge everything we have worked so hard for! It can all go away in a few Supreme Court appointments…we and our rights are in danger. VOTE LIBERAL! IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE!
FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM SISTERS! THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MORE IMPORTANT TIME THAN NOW! Thank you!
Posted by Proud & Grateful on Aug 17, 2003 at 8:17 PM Mike said: “There is only one reason to have sex, and that is to produce offspring.”
So let’s go and ban it for infertile folks and post-menopausal women, hey? Why should they be having all that time-wasting sex for no point? Sheesh. Here, have a free clue.
“If you donít want children, donít have sex.”
Oh, peachy idea. If I give you my fiance’s number, will YOU kindly be the one to tell him that there will be no sex for the first two or three years of our marriage?
Posted by Leda74 on Aug 20, 2003 at 1:01 PM If the goal is “saving babies”, why is it that anti-abortionists are anti-contraception, as well? Pregnancy is 99% preventable if you have the knowledge and the available options. If birth control education and devices were as ubiquitous as tap water, think how many abortions would be avoided! Abortion is a tragedy, to be sure, but in a country where tens of millions of children go hungry each day, where millions of children live with the daily threat of violence, drug abuse, and crime, where millions of children are abused, neglected, and thrown away (many by parents who claimed to dearly love and want them), where millions of people do not have access to health care, where too many children are left to fend for themselves because their single parent is toiling all day to barely make ends meet, why are we so worked up over the unborn? The lunacy of it just boggles the mind. There is so much more to life than being born! Iím with Matt. Letís focus on making the world an Eden for all. Letís do all we can to make sure that every child born is wanted and loved and breathes clean air and drinks clean water and lives in safe neighborhoods with decent public schools and has nutritious food to eat and has access to health care while in the womb and through all stages of her/his life. I have faith that this dream can be a reality. And I have hope that in my lifetime enough like-minded, loving people will come together to begin making it happen.
Is no one else struck with the irony that Bush is hell-bent on outlawing abortion (and this is the man entrusted with spreading freedom and democracy to the Middle East?!), yet has no compunction about sending our kids to their deaths in Iraq under false pretext (Just where ARE those WMDs? Osama bin Laden masterminded 9/11, not Saddam Hussein, and heís in or around Afghanistan!), is doing everything he can to restrict access to over-the-counter emergency contraception (which will prevent so many unwanted pregnancies!), and is relaxing the rules regarding emission of mercury (which causes birth defects and has been found in worrisome concentrations in pregnant women) from coal plants? Just how do such actions bespeak a ìculture of lifeî?
Posted by Ruth Rivera on Apr 30, 2004 at 1:18 AM Page 1 of 1 pages -
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